Friday, April 3, 2009

I am not a robot.

No, for really real, I'm not.

A few weeks ago my counselor told me that I was like the robot from Terminator 3, except for Jesus. I thought that was a compliment. It was not. He keeps telling me to have grace and compassion on myself. To stop beating myself up for my emotions. And it sounds like straight therapy bullshit. I see so many people walking through life completely unaware of how they hurt others or why they do the things that they do. I don't want that to be me, and so when I mess up, I want to own it and make sure I never do it again.

I hate my emotions, they are irrational and lead me to death. Nothing is worse than making emotional decisions. I only end up hurting other people and that is inexcusable. I should be perfect as Christ is perfect.

I want to ruthlessly eradicate all weakness, I want to never hurt other people, I want to learn from my mistakes, I want to never make them.

Hence the robot comment.

So that means punishment. I have to punish myself so I fully learn my lesson. I mean, it makes logical sense, that is how the world works- but it's not how God works. The punishment has been taken.

I made some, perhaps, poor decisions lately. And as a result, in the past few days I have been struggling badly with these punishment issues. Today I was so anxious, so sick, that I almost passed out in starbucks. It was crazy. I was trying to read and pray, but I was so angry with myself. My stomach felt so tight and I was afraid I was going to throw up. My heart was heavy, so heavy. My mind was spinning with accusations. I slumped down in my seat and my pen felt like a great weight and my hand so weak, that I had to drop it.

I looked down and saw the verse about the spirit inteceding for us with groans and I thought "Oh God, please help me."

And then I heard words and voices. But the good kinds.

Dickie: The past is the past. What good is it to dwell on it? I mean, really. Move on, don't do it again. The end.

My counselor: You have compassion on everyone but you.

Keirsten: Namaste.

Jahred: It's okay to feel. Emotions are what make you real.

Jenna: You're killing yourself. This is not what Christ wants.

And so I took a deep breath and picked up my pen and wrote: I am not a robot. I am a woman. I have a heart, I have emotions, I am not perfect. Even if I broke one law, the spirit of Christ is alive in me always. I know I am pursuing God first, I want him to have free reign in my life. But that doesn't mean I will be perfect. It's okay. It's okay. I am loved. It's okay.

All of my sickness felt like it was pulled out of my stomach and out through my heart. I mean, it just evaporated. Gone.

It was incredible!

I have been getting these ...whatever, panic attacks, or deep self loathing sessions for six months, the past two months they have been so overwhelming and frequent I have not been able to eat very much or sleep. Being refreshed through prayer and the word has been what has kept me afloat. Every morning my time with God fixes my perspective, things that seem dark and ominous are restored through Jesus. Christ keeps me from a daily depression, but not from these attacks. When these thoughts come upon me, I can only wait to fall asleep, and hope it is gone in the morning. I cannot pray, or call someone or even pick up the phone. I have never been able to pray or talk myself out of them. I just talk myself deeper in. Until today.

I don't even know if I can express my joy right now! I AM NOT A ROBOT. I AM LOVED EVEN WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS.


I am glowing. I am so glowing right now. God's love is not dependent on my actions, and I have not ruined my life. If anything, maybe that was supposed to happen, just so this could happen. And even if not, redemption is a gift.

And then I read in Romans and Corinthians and it is all just so good! Romans 12 talked about how when we fix our attention on God we are changed from the inside out, that we come to a deeper maturation. I know that God is working something Good in me, and I am so grateful that I was able to get a glimpse of it today. I know that I'm not completely over this time, but I finally see a light. I see a little bit of my Hope.

My quiet time today was better than an orgasm.

I could only write VICTORY in my journal over and over again. And when I told the story to Jahred, he smiled and said: Victory.

I am glowing. And I like you all very much.


  1. So something I didn't mention on the phone earlier because I was so stoked about your story...I called because today I felt nauseas,lethargic, sluggish, aching, depressed, he(as ever), anxious, etc. I knew it wasn't coming from myself- I slept in, went to one class, and watched Oprah today. I had no reason to feel these things. And I thumbed through my contact list on my phone, trying to get a feel for who close to me was feeling this way. I stopped on your name and thought, "It's Kate. I should call her." But you had already found peace-you found that piece of God inside of yourself, so Namaste!

  2. Alecia: Hold on to this, even if things get shitty tomorrow.

  3. Kiersten: having psychic friends is awesome.

  4. "I am pursuing God first, I want him to have free reign in my life."
    That sure strikes me as one hell of a burden to place on the Godhead. Why do you suppose humans have free will?
    (I cannot picture you as a robot... that, of course, may be my myopia. Care to tell me if the kingly reference in your quotation above is slyly intentional or merely a typo?)