wilt

i wilt under the weight
of the world- it revolves
it does not need me
but it uses, turns and moves me
the machination of existence
before and after
i am a little bolt
a paving stone
a wisp of cloud
that could be rain
could be shade
one day gone

i wilt under the weight
of my heart- it hurts
it needs me
the continuance of lovemaking
but it kills, thunders and breaks
i fall in love, i grow cold
i am someone elses joke,
their unwilling muse,
ex-lover,
would-be wife
one day gone


(i am filled with the joy of christ,
but i shake my head like peter)

lies

let me hide in poetry
in shifting prose and lilting rhyme
to say in metaphor
a meaning
of endless interpretation
to others
then to say quite plainly
(what i am afraid to be understood)

my poetry is a great pretend
a stage of make up and props
all beauty and delicacy
with a very plain truth
hiding in the wings
(i am too ugly to tell)

A spoken word: Fresh

my heart is empty and restless
i've lost my lover and my love went with him
i do not need either to be found but
new ones to be brought
give me something new to love,
to pine, to worship or date or discover
the difference
i am new! i am fresh!
i am newly unselfish!
but i am bored with me and mine

but don't give me someone new to break
i've moved on, i'm gone up
above petty and cruel and all the words they said
that were mostly true

give me a new heart, then
one that beats for more
than thrills and drinks and a wisp of poetry
give me a heart that runs on good knowledge and
grace
maybe a sip or two, a soft kiss,
a camera lens, a kind face

oh for Christsake, give me a new spirit
a sense of purpose without the self importance
so rarely accomplished
but i have heard it done
by one
whose name i've just used

i am new! i am fresh! I am newly selfish.

adultery

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

My faith would be easier if I believed that I was only a daughter, or a servant of Christ, an ambassador or friend.

In studying the history of scripture- the narrative- I believe more and more that we are called to be Lovers of this God. We are the Bride of Christ, not just his slaves, or employees or whatever other more comfortable word most pastors and churches teach.

This very language hurts us.

Imagine two people going into a relationship- one expects an employee, the other a wife. A bewildered pair. This is most Christians.

How I would love to be a soldier of Christ! To take my orders, black and white commands, and march forward, never caring for my leaders heart, emotional well being, not thinking he would ever care for mine.

How comforting to be a servant of Christ. To serve his church and do what I must, and never presume to think that I should sit at his knee or have him heal my heart- there are dishes to wash, and things to do at church and meetings to attend.

How easy even to be a daughter of God. I'll check in, bring the boy friend around, call when I need money.

But to pursue God the way we desire a lover. To think of him, to bring him gifts and words. To consider him above myself, to spend time learning his language and desiring his advice. It's too much. Being in love is a terrible gift.

I remember the first time a boy gave me a foot massage. I was so content I could have purred. He looked at me and said, "I wish you could see your own eyes. You look so happy." I was.

I went to work and my heart felt tight and alive. One of the other servers spun me around. "You're glowing, you're in loooove." I was.

I remember him coming over early one morning and laying in bed with me. He was losing me and I was losing myself. He held me so tightly but it didn't work. "I love you." I said. I did.

How do I love God more than this? How do I light up with his love? How do I stay with him. Falling in love is not difficult with me. But the staying part-

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love

The intimacy of prayer is too much for me at times. To be fully naked- to stand before someone who knows all your faults, no secrets, no excuses, and to still be loved and desired. It is what everyone wants. I have this in Christ but it is too much. I run. I pick fights. I sabotage. I want more immediate lovers. I throw my heart to dogs and pearls.

But I know I want more-
I know I was made for more-

Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.

If we could just learn to be lovers over servants or friends. I think this would hold the key to the world. If we can love Christ patiently, persistently, to be satisfied in him- with that would come character and integrity, discipline and gentleness, faith, hope and love.

What fearsome creatures we would be.