Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Why we are not friends-

If I am best friends with ten people, I am best friends with no one.

I am living in a strange dichotemy. Things inside my head are chaotic and exciting, working through theories, looking and listening to the present but processing it through the past- my brain feels alive and on fire and it's like seeing colors where before I did not.

But outside of my head, I am exhausted. I am tired of hurting the people I love with a lack of time, or energy.

I am tired of thinking that my attention should go to those I do not know that well, than to the people who are my family.

A good friend wrote me an email about how she felt I was not spending enough time with her, or was hurt by me paying attention to others. This is someone who has received most of my free time lately- but I realized that she really didn't know much about my schedule.

For the first time I wrote out what my week is comprised of- and it was pretty upsetting. So this blog is for the people I care about, the friends I haven't seen in months-

Saturday through Wed. I wake up between 7 and 9 to drive to Kissimmee (25-40 min, depending on traffic). I spend the 6 to 9 hours talking- taking multiple families through two hour legal closings.

at 4-630 i get cut from work and I drive 30-60 mins home (traffic). I am emotionally exhausted and have a head ache from talking.

Saturday nites I have free and feel pretty good.

Sundays I wake up at 7 to be the first one at work (so i can hopefully be the first to leave, but that depends on how long the client takes) so I can be at church between-5:30 and 6:30. Church is at 6:30 and lead I facilitate a discussion group after intil about 10:30.

Monday I go straight from work to a small group- I have never made it on time- I get home at 9:30-10

Tuesday night I am free but so very tired.

Wednesday is my friday. exhausted.

Thursday I have off to clean and shop and run errands and try to relax, but people want to hang out and I always feel guilty about not going to Restoration House at 6 because of this justification or that or the other.

Friday I have counseling which is a shot gun to the heart. I am a zombie but people still want to hang out - even though I would rather go in my room and read. Friday night is the only night I have set aside with Gui. The past two weeks I have been too tired or guilty (for all the other people I don't see) and I cancel with him and feel worse.

saturday. repeat.

I have three nights and two days to see all the people I care about and who care about me.

Ashley and Jenn are my bestfriends and have really walked with me the past two years- yet I feel as though put them last.

I would like to spend time with people one on one, but I am so tired and don't want to leave my house. And my house is so hectic and full and I want to see everyone but everyone ends up feeling slighted.

I have a dozen names in my head of people I claim to love but do not make time for- or I see them once every few weeks/months.

There is no where in my house that I can go to be alone.

My boundaries are limited to avoiding hard drugs and television.
My definition of community sucks.
My definition of love is probably Not-Love.

So, with all this bitching- some thoughts.

It's okay to say no.
I am not a savior.
I do not need to be needed.

More than anything, I have to remind myself:

When I say 'yes' to a person or a plan- I am also then saying 'no' to other people and plans.

When I say 'yes' to a person- without setting clear boundaries and being honest about what I can offer- I hurt them more in the
long run with unmet expectations.

These are hard things- it feels like bad Christianity- it feels like rejecting someone- it just feels like shit. But that fact is that I feel like shit. Kind of all the time in the past few months.

So- friends. Thanks for your patience.


  1. ...I have no where to go to be alone... That will change.

    Also I Love you. Thanks for not letting me go.

    Don't feel guilty for boundaries.

  2. Yes! What Dana said. Don't feel guilty for boundaries. Anyone who does make you feel guilty for boundaries is not a healthy person, and that is a good way to spot them. I love you, and I think what you are learning here, will change your life.

  3. It's true. I learned when I relocated to the office this January that free time is an absolute gift (especially for a quality time person with a new boyfriend.) There are times you have to give it to no one, and that time is JUST as important to your sanity and spiritual health as the time you have to give to those who really matter in your life.

    And people will be angry/hurt/upset - maybe some with good reason, often those without - when you don't have time for them. But remember that the people in your life ARE prioritized and some are more important/special/close than others. So good on ya for trying to restructure and make those people a priority. Those people will refresh you when you are feeling exhausted. Those people will inspire you when you are feeling shitty. And those are the people who love you no matter who you are.

    These are people that you do not just pour into, but from whom you receive much renewal. They make life beautiful.