If I am best friends with ten people, I am best friends with no one.
I am living in a strange dichotemy. Things inside my head are chaotic and exciting, working through theories, looking and listening to the present but processing it through the past- my brain feels alive and on fire and it's like seeing colors where before I did not.
But outside of my head, I am exhausted. I am tired of hurting the people I love with a lack of time, or energy.
I am tired of thinking that my attention should go to those I do not know that well, than to the people who are my family.
A good friend wrote me an email about how she felt I was not spending enough time with her, or was hurt by me paying attention to others. This is someone who has received most of my free time lately- but I realized that she really didn't know much about my schedule.
For the first time I wrote out what my week is comprised of- and it was pretty upsetting. So this blog is for the people I care about, the friends I haven't seen in months-
Saturday through Wed. I wake up between 7 and 9 to drive to Kissimmee (25-40 min, depending on traffic). I spend the 6 to 9 hours talking- taking multiple families through two hour legal closings.
at 4-630 i get cut from work and I drive 30-60 mins home (traffic). I am emotionally exhausted and have a head ache from talking.
Saturday nites I have free and feel pretty good.
Sundays I wake up at 7 to be the first one at work (so i can hopefully be the first to leave, but that depends on how long the client takes) so I can be at church between-5:30 and 6:30. Church is at 6:30 and lead I facilitate a discussion group after intil about 10:30.
Monday I go straight from work to a small group- I have never made it on time- I get home at 9:30-10
Tuesday night I am free but so very tired.
Wednesday is my friday. exhausted.
Thursday I have off to clean and shop and run errands and try to relax, but people want to hang out and I always feel guilty about not going to Restoration House at 6 because of this justification or that or the other.
Friday I have counseling which is a shot gun to the heart. I am a zombie but people still want to hang out - even though I would rather go in my room and read. Friday night is the only night I have set aside with Gui. The past two weeks I have been too tired or guilty (for all the other people I don't see) and I cancel with him and feel worse.
I have three nights and two days to see all the people I care about and who care about me.
Ashley and Jenn are my bestfriends and have really walked with me the past two years- yet I feel as though put them last.
I would like to spend time with people one on one, but I am so tired and don't want to leave my house. And my house is so hectic and full and I want to see everyone but everyone ends up feeling slighted.
I have a dozen names in my head of people I claim to love but do not make time for- or I see them once every few weeks/months.
There is no where in my house that I can go to be alone.
My boundaries are limited to avoiding hard drugs and television.
My definition of community sucks.
My definition of love is probably Not-Love.
So, with all this bitching- some thoughts.
It's okay to say no.
I am not a savior.
I do not need to be needed.
More than anything, I have to remind myself:
When I say 'yes' to a person or a plan- I am also then saying 'no' to other people and plans.
When I say 'yes' to a person- without setting clear boundaries and being honest about what I can offer- I hurt them more in the
long run with unmet expectations.
These are hard things- it feels like bad Christianity- it feels like rejecting someone- it just feels like shit. But that fact is that I feel like shit. Kind of all the time in the past few months.
So- friends. Thanks for your patience.