Derek Webb is one of my heroes. His lyrics are so good I want to youtube myself rapping to them. Because it would obviously be a youtube phenomenon spread from laptop to cubicle to sean dey showing it to everyone- thereby embrassing myself and giving Derek Webb free publicity.
I will do none of that, but I do want to post this for you. Derek Webb is one of the few artists I know that consistently refers to and sings to God as he would a lover.
This song is such a gem.
I also would like to talk about the clear difference in my personality before and after reading scripture and speaking to Christ.
I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. I had decided to go to starbucks in the morning to read and pray before braving the new/old job at Westgate. Jenn had, in her lovely acts of service way, volunteered to come with me. My alarm went off and it was dark and freezing and I was very sad to be awake. I heard Jenns alarm alarming her and when I was finished getting ready I stuck my head in her room.
She was tugging on a sweatshirt. "I'm awake, I'm awake."
"You should go back to bed." I advised.
"Because it's freezing and way too early and why should we both be miserable?" My logic was clearly impeccable because Jenn crawled back into bed.
I drove to starbucks in my businessy clothes, shivering. I do not have a businessy jacket, but I do have an awesome fake (I hope to God) fur jacket. So I put it on and stumbled toward Starbucks. Sitting outside was a new, young, male employee. I could tell by the look on his face that I amused him.
"Having a good morning?" He chirped. I glared at him.
"It is freakishly early. Freakishly." I growled, going inside.
Immediately the Jenna on my shoulder told me that my facial expression was horrendous and I was rude. But then she smelled the coffee and all offenses were covered.
It is always kind of alarming at how difficult basic niceties can be for me. I just don't have it in me to small talk strangers or smile a lot or appear interested in someone I am not. But when I think of the fragrance of Christ, I think of a woman walking to a room, smiling at everyone and making everyone feel better for it. Or how Tom Gustafson always makes you feel like you're loved with the smallest of conversation. I would like to look like a Christian. Not by purity of speech or not smoking or something like that. But to just look like I am filled with joy. When my friends spend time with God, sometimes I think their face shines like Moses did when he came down from the mountain. Sometimes I secretly hope that I shine after spending time with Christ. I know there is such a tangible difference. I can go into prayer furious or desperate or apathetic- but seeing the world through Christs eyes- as broken and needy and beautiful, it changes me. Knowing that the people I am upset at have been attacked by the same being attacking me- It puts everything into perspective.
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.
Before you know it, a sense of Gods wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.
It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
--Phillipians, da message.
That verse sums up perfectly what I have experienced with prayer. Especially about God's wholeness and things coming together for good. Oswald Chambers said that mans greatest fear is that Jesus Christ will be worsted, and the things he stood for -kindness, compassion, justice, mercy- will all fly in the wind. That is a big fear of mine. That my hands bring more bad than good into the world. But Christs hands are perfect, and I want to use his instead of mine. And that means not worrying or doubting but allowing the Holy Spirit to breathe through me. To be kind and tender and forgiving and all the things that seem trite but take a lot of work. I am praying to smile more and often. I can be very honest and say that I would rather come off strong and intelligent than kind and gentle. But I would love to be gentle. So that's my prayer for a bit. Feel free to ask God to give it in abundance to me.
An hour later as I was leaving I smiled at him. Progress!