Ugh. I hate not being able to sleep.
However, I have come to a few conclusions.
Conclusion 1: I am no longer going to use the word 'depressed'. If someone asks, I am going to refer to myself as being in a recession, or 'recessed'.
a sustained economic recession in which a nation's Gross National Product (GNP) is falling and marked by low production and sales and a high rate of business failures and unemployment
I've decided that this period of time in my life will not be sustained, thankyouverymuch.
1. the act of receding or withdrawing.
2. Economics. a period of an economic contraction, sometimes limited in scope or duration.
The first definition fits me very well, the second is what I am hoping this ends up being.
Conclusion 2: It's hard for America to realize right now that a recession is a good thing- in the long run. The same way it's been hard for me to realize that where I am is a good thing.
1) With gas prices being so high, car companies are forced to make better, greener cars- thus bettering our environment, and helping us become oil-independent.
2) The way house prices were rising, new homes would have been virtually unaffordable for seventy percent of americans.
3) Wall street has been running and ruining our country for too long, their power in the future will be severely limited (whether or not you think this is a good thing depends on your political preference of govt)
4) The downfall of America as an industrial leader and world power is leading to the 'rise of the rest' with India, rural China and south american countries developing a healthy middle class.
5) Foreign countries bailing out our businesses reinforces the interconnectedness of the global market- meaning a future responsibility for the world, not just our flag. Also, no matter what you think Revelations says, China will never go to war with us, because if we fail their entire economy will tank. Take that.
Those are a few bright spots I have been thinking about. I'm sure there are more, as I'm sure there are a million reasons why this sucks and prevention is better than reaction. But a recession, as a reset, can be a great thing. Even if it's painful in the moment- it will get better.
Conclusion 3: I have run my company into the ground.
But through this I have been forced to look at the way I approach friendships and community.
I have to confront the ugly in my heart and actions.
I have to admit that I need help.
I am being purged of the american gospel.
I know now that I really love God for God, not for what he gives me.
I have to admit that Jenn and Jenna are right, a lot.
And I am paying someone a crapload of money a week to tell me what my b.f.f.f.f.f.fs tell me for free (more bad business practices).
I've also been thinking a lot of Christ in the garden. My sufferings, to use a dramatic word, stem a lot from what I don't know about the future, but Christ knew. He knew he was going to die. My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. or in the message: This sorrow is crushing my life out.
As I've prayed in the past few days, I keep seeing flashes of Christ in the garden. When I have felt my heart being crushed, I am experiencing just a tenth of what my savior experienced. And he knew what was going to happen. I believe that Christ had a choice. I think the fact that his fear and wrestling with God is so palpable in scripture should dismiss the complementarian ideologists who claim that Christ only came to die. Bullshit, he showed us how to live. And he loved us enough to die.
He sat in that garden and begged his friends to stay awake with him- because he was terrified. He was facing a gruesome death for the disciples who were lazy cowards. He would die for all the people who accepted his healing and didn't lift a finger against his crucifixion. For the crusaders and evil popes and you and me.
Conclusion 4: Christ went through a recession. He had a shitty few days.
And then: Heaven, sweet heaven.
And Peter, the disciples. The shame and self hatred they must have experienced. Everything was taken from them, everything was changed. But their hearts didn't fail, they turned from sleepy brats into lovers of God and people.
This verse has always been a favorite. I will heretically take out Peter's name and put in mine. I suggest you do the same.
Luke 22:31"Kate, Kate, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Kate, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers and sisters."
"Kate, stay on your toes. Satan has tried his best to separate all of you from me, like chaff from wheat. Kate, I've prayed for you in particular that you not give in or give out. When you have come through the time of testing, turn to your companions and give them a fresh start."
Conclusion 5: So my recession must be a good thing. It must be a reset button. I will come through, and I will refresh others.
I guess, in business terms, I'm not a very good stock right now. And though a few of my shareholders have dumped me, I feel like I will be a good long term investment for those who are riding it out.
So to my loyal clients: I love you, thank you.
To those who have cashed out: I miss you, I hope you are well.
To those who are thinking about buying in: I'm restructuring, so wait a few months.