Thursday, March 5, 2009

prayer shuffle

Today. Hmmm. I hate when days are bad, without there being an exact reason for them being bad. Nothing happened, I met with people that I loved and I did things that I like...but it was still just bad.

I got in my car tonight, I turned on my IPOD shuffle, and I told God that I needed a song.

Previous to this, I was praying about my job, and how worried I am with it. But even with me being anxious about that, I was still so hesitant to ask God for help. I felt bad asking God to help me succeed at my job. Disappointment is the worst emotion in the world to me. So I realize that I would rather expect nothing from people, and nothing from God, so that I don't have to feel it. My prayers consist of only spiritual gifts- compassion, love, gentleness. Things I am positive that God wants me to have. I don't pray for jobs, or money or physical things. I don't want to risk disappointment, and because of that, I don't risk anything.
I have fought so hard to purge a contractional relationship with God from my mind. I don't want to think that just because I'm a Christian that means I'll have a great life- a perfect husband and family and job. It's so easy to let that theology creep in and poison me. I want to love God only for him, not what he has the ability to give me. I have to know that I will care for God even if I live on the streets and I'm alone. That is real faith, to still trust God with all that. But with that knowledge has now come my belief that God almost wills those things for me. And maybe I will be alone, maybe I will lose my house and everything I have, but sometimes I don't even consider the other options. Perhaps God does will for me to love and be loved, perhaps I could be wealthy and be wise with that. So tonight for the first time in awhile I prayed something that I very much needed God to answer.

Tonight I could feel myself falling- I could feel a tide creeping towards me. So I told God that I needed him to give me a song. I needed to know that he saw me, and that he loved me, and that he had something for me in this very moment.

My Ipod went to Unknown Artist, Track 5. The music started playing and in my head, I was already trying to justify maybe shuffling around a bit. Or laughing the whole thing off as me just being silly, and how I should be fine whether he gave me a song or not. I was already trying to stifle even a hint of disappointment.

And this is what began playing. It's called 'Drown' by my favorite band, House of Heroes (which I imported incorrectly, hence what came up on my Ipod). I couldn't find a video on you tube, but here are the lyrics.

The water's at our knees
It's rising while we speculate to its existing
Sinking merrily
Invincible, convinced no warning is worth heeding

The ocean deep and black
That seemed so shallow
Pulls me under

I'm not giving up that easy
I'm not giving up on anything
Long as I have lungs still breathing
Learn to swim
Before we drown

Come, come one and all
And sacrifice your pride to find a new beginning
Open up your ears
And eyes to see our minds are still in need of changing

If we knew the truth
Would we even care at all
Or be pulled under

I'm not giving up that easy
I'm not giving up on anything
Long as I have lungs still breathing
Learn to swim
Before we drown

Grant us grace to change our minds

I listened to the song and I didn't feel anything. I didn't get excited or in awe. I didn't feel God. But that was okay, because even though I wasn't capable of having an emotional reaction, I still knew that this was the most perfect song for me. I prayed a selfish prayer, and he was loving enough to answer it. The next few songs were wonderful as well-

to finish off was India Arie's "Video Girl"

Perfect. Thanks God.

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